Why Did I Stay?

Many women who have come out of abusive relationships are asked this one daunting question: Why did you stay?

My mother was asked recently why she stayed in an abusive relationship for 43 years. Her answer was amazing to me. She said she stayed for many reasons and that she believed that when people get married they should honor their marriage vows come hell or high water. Well she endured many days and nights of hell until it became a matter of life or death for her. My mother is a very strong Christian woman that looks for the good in everyone she meets. She told me once that looking for the good in people “helps you understand the bad parts about them”. Needless to say she was always believing and looking for the good in my father which lead to 43 years of hoping to see the good in him. It only got worse as the years passed by. 

There are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships year after year. All of the reasons are legitimate to a victim of abuse. I find it very odd when I hear people say mean things about victims of abuse and especially when they say stupid things like “why don’t they just leave”, “they are dumb for putting up with that”, or “if I were them I would………” If a person has never walked in an abused woman’s shoes, they have no idea what it feels like to make this painful life changing decision.

Here are a few reasons why women stay in abusive relationships:

1.     No support system: their abuser has isolated them from the only support system they had…there family and friends.

2.     Lack of financial support: many times the abuser has put the victim in tremendous debt and has made it impossible for the victim to ask her family for finances because the abuser has destroyed the family’s trust and has separated her from her loved ones.

3.     Children: many victims have concerns about their children and what will happen to them when they leave their partner. Victims may have young children and feels as if the children should have their father in their life. They may also feel like their partner will turn the kids against them. They may also feel like the kids will end up hating them for leaving their father. 

4.     No place to go: we see this so many times when the victim do not have another place to stay and does not want to go to a shelter because she may have to separate the kids depending on the type of shelter it is. Some domestic violence shelters have age limits on the ages of kids placed with them. Therefore leaving the mother having to make a decision where to place the older child. Also there is a shortage of domestic violence shelters and when victims attempt to go to the shelters, the shelters have reached their capacity.

5.     Loss of job or lack of job:  abusers stop their victims from going to work or going to work on time and the victim may lose her job.  This is only another form of control. The abuser wants to control every aspect of her life. And making her lose her job so she can depend on him gives him more control. On the other hand, an abuser may allow the victim to keep her job but calls her job many times throughout the day to check up on her causing her to lose the job

6.     Making her feel like no one else will want her: telling her that she will never find anyone else that will love her. Victims sometimes feel like they do not deserve better and that they are nothing…these are some effects of abuse that they are experiencing.

7.    Fear: sometimes victims may fear their partner’s actions such as fearing that their partner may kill them if they leave or take the children. They may also   fear that their partner may report them to INS or take their green card away.

Why leave an abusive relationship:

When I was leading a support group for domestic violence victims several years ago, I noticed that they all struggled with the painful idea of having to leave their violent relationships. For many of them the decision to leave came down to this one horrific reality “if I don’t leave today, tonight he may kill me in front of the kids”. This was an awful notion to have to ponder on to make a decision to leave a relationship. But for many, this was the very thing they needed to come to terms with in order to make the decision to leave. 

I believe my mother’s crucial point to make the decision to leave came for her one night when her life almost ended in front of me. She told me that she felt so humiliated and degraded as a mother when my father abused her while I was trying to stop the abuse. She later told me that she never thought in a million years that he would do that in front of me.

Staying in that abusive relationship not only robbed my mother of her dignity, self-worth and happiness but it deprived her of years of finding the love and life she so longed for. When she finally left, she said it felt like someone had released her from a prison of bondage. Getting free was the best thing that could have happened to her. Trust me she has never looked back.

My challenge today to whoever is reading this article is to be supportive to someone you know who may be in an abusive relationship. Walking away from the relationship may be the hardest decision they will have to make in their whole entire life. You may be the only shoulder they have to cry on. They need your love and support. Will you be a support to them today?     

by Marquetta Smith